October 9, 2008

Thursday's Thoughts

So I haven't done a "Thursday's Thoughts" in FOREVER! I'm quite ashamed to say that my Bible study has totally been slacking and I just have no excuse what so ever.... really is there ever an excuse?!? Although my study habits have been lacking my prayer life has been in full speed. I think I talk to God pretty much all day and pray (for real) quite often. I am very overwhelmed right now with doctors appointments with Hailey and what to do and not do. I'm nervous about what her future is going to bring and how all of this is going to affect our family dynamics. We started seeing a new doctor about 3 weeks ago and he is wonderful. He is a psychiatrist that has 6 children of his own and his oldest has Aspergers! I just melted when he told me that yesterday. Now I don't just feel like I'm talking to another doctor...I'm talking to another parent, who happens to have a PhD... that knows exactly what I'm going through!! His son is now 30 and did wonderful through high school and part of college. But he remembers this part of life...the challenging part of childhood. The meltdown, mood swings, OCD-ness... I thanked God when I left his office that he brought him into our lives. I know that we are going to get Hailey on the right track and we will be living a more peaceful life soon. I also know that this doesn't go away and that with each year, month, or even week brings new challenges that we have to work through...but if we can get her emotionally under control that will help so much. I'm beginning to really resent the stares and looks of judgement when we are out in public. People just don't understand and even some of our friends. I don't want to slap a bumper sticker on our foreheads but sometimes that seems like it would help! I feel like I'm being looked at as the mom who can't control her kid and doesn't discipline. If they only knew what all we've put Hailey through trying to discipline and that it doesn't accomplish anything for the better. We have to use alternative methods and I know I shouldn't care what other people think but it just gets old after a while. Kind of like when she was younger and would constantly cry at church....people would ask me about 8 times in the same morning 'Does she just need her nap?' And of course I knew that wasn't the case but I'd just smile and say I guess so!! So just remember that when you're out and see a kid having a fit...before you judge the parent they just might be doing the best they can.
The medication we tried at the last appointment did not work well. It made her very hyper and she is already a hyper child so mommy does not need this :-) She was like a kid on meth is what her daddy was saying. Talking fast, unable to sit still at all and just jittery. She even had a really hard time sleeping...staying up in her room after we would put her to bed for two or three hours.
See how pitiful the circles under her eyes look? This was taken a few days ago.

So the doctor said some children don't react well to it and took her off. Thank goodness!! Now we are trying something else (I'm not ready to say what it is in blogland yet. To my close friends I will but this is taking some time for me to process and once we find what works maybe I'll be more open about it) She had her first dose today and thankfully she said it didn't taste bad!! We won't notice anything for a while. In my head I know this is not my fault (this is a lot of my talking with God) but in my heart I wonder what I did different with her. Did I take something I shouldn't have?? Was I exposed to something that I wasn't with Jack?? Her Psych. believes that we don't know why this happens and DOES NOT believe that it comes from vaccines. If I have another baby I will still get them vaccinated. There just isn't enough proof for me to believe that. I asked him if he thought it was genetic because I am desperately battling the desire to have another baby (again a lot of my talks with God). He said he sees some families that have 4 children and 3 of them have some forms of Autism but then he has 6 kids and only 1 has it.... Again there is no pattern. I don't know if it is selfish of me to want another baby just because I feel the need for one, but it will only cause more stress on our family and Hailey. But I'm hopeful that in a year or so Hailey will be in a better place and we'll be able to make the decision easier. I just wish I could get it off my mind. Whew!! That was a lot...thanks for 'listening' I think I'll go have some ice cream now and watch CSI:LasVegas!!

7 comments:

Me said...

I am so sorry your family has to walk this path :( but I know His glory will be felt and blessings will pour forth. Just hold on, lean on us, and remember He is always in control. It's still a mysterious disease, isn't it? You're in my prayers :)

Jennifer said...

You will get through this. When I think of people that have it together..for the last 2 years, YOU have been the first person that pops into my mind. You are an inspiration to many people. Hailey, Jack and Darren are very lucky that they have you to take care of them.

Ben and Tabby said...

Poor Hailey-bug!! She is so precious, and I know you love her very much and are giving her the very best you can. You are a wonderful Mommy, and don't let anyone make you think otherwise! I'll be praying for Hailey and the whole family. I know this is a stressful time. God knows what she needs, and what you need, and HE will provide it. Love you!

Sarah said...

That picture of Hailey just breaks my heart. I have been thinking about you alot lately and wondering how Hailey was doing on the new (now old) medication. Next time I feel that way, I am just going to pick up the phone. If there is any way I can help give you a break, I hope you don't hesitate to ask. You have been such a help to me these last few weeks. I miss you bunches. Love you.

Vader's Mom said...

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I have no understanding of what you are going through, but I hope God opens up the right doors for you.

Carrie said...

Being her teacher, I have only a glimpse into what your daily life must be like, and I admire you for it. Hailey is a terrific little girl! She is smart and loving and I often refer to her as my "go to girl". Let no one make you think differently! As her family, you are doing everything you can to make her life as easy as it can be. I can somewhat empathize with your comment about the looks people give you when she is having a meltdown. I just want to slap the ones at school who look at me and want to know what her problem is, why she is having a temper tantrum. The ones who don't understand why she is getting to walk with me and hold my hand while another child who appears to be doing the same thing is sent to the back of the line. It makes me want to scoop her up and hold her until everything is all better! I found a shirt on cafepress.com. It is exactly what you/I need for those moments.
The link is:
http://shop.cafepress.com/design/18036897

Dawn said...

Awww...Stacia, you haven't done a thing. I believe in the saying that everything happens for a reason. There is a reason Hailey is this way. Perhaps she will go grow up and help others with this problem. You are an awesome mom! I kept thinking about Hailey saying she wanted to come to my house last Sunday. I really hope you'll come over! We'll have a playdate while daddy's are at work.